I very briefly did some writing for Stylus Magazine in 2006. I contributed to their music blog series and even did a few podcasts for the site, but it wasn't meant to be. I found many of the articles on Stylus to be a bit stuffy and certainly not in line with my musical tastes at the time. I thought it would be smart, or at least fun, to differentiate my writing from the rest by adding a pinch of humor. That pinch occasionally turned into a handful and I'm sure that was a problem.

The man who ran Stylus, Todd Burns, was nice enough to offer me an opportunity to contribute when I submitted a review of The Lawrence Arms' Oh! Calcutta. They even reviewed the album on the site and, although they didn't use anything from my review, it was a nice nod. Todd ran Stylus himself and somehow managed to live off the site while residing in New York City. He was always helpful and when Stylus closed up shop, I felt bad for him. Stylus didn't do enough to differentiate itself from Pitchfork. It did have a good appreciation of dance music and I felt like it really tried to be this international forum for music lovers to share their passion, but that wasn't enough. It lacked the pretense of coolness that Pitchfork had manufactured and I think it failed to make the case on why it should have been the go to source for music criticism. I was sad because I thought there was something more intimate about Stylus. Music journalism can be so sterile sometimes, so TMZ and sometimes so breathtakingly desperate to establish the writer's credibility as an arbiter of coolness that the actual enjoyment of the music gets lost. I appreciated Stylus' efforts to create dialogue between music lovers and I think it's unfortunate that more people didn't join in.

Todd has apparently contributed an essay to the prestigious Pazz and Jop awards. I stumbled across this earlier today. I'm glad Todd's writing about dance music, the thing that he seemed to enjoy discussing the most, and I'm glad he's doing it on such a grand scale.

Anyway, I thought I'd post an old blog entry I did for Stylus. So... here it is.

My Favorite Chords
I’d like to be Stylus Magazine’s first sponsored athlete. The magazine would pay me a monthly stipend, enough to cover my training costs and maybe help a bit with rent, and in turn I would compete in a variety of events while wearing Stylus regalia. I’m in decent shape (football in high school and club rugby in college), and I imagine I could be quite the competitor.

I’d need a marketing partner, also decked out in Stylus merchandise, to hold a boom-box above their head and play appropriate music while I worked – I’m imagining an attractive, college-aged woman, but really anyone with arms would do. Afterwards, we’d pass out flyers for the site and maybe a couple promo CDs. All songs played during the competition and my inevitable victory would be available at Stylus under the newly featured “Athletics” section.

First event: Competitive Mechanical Bull Riding

I have no interest in getting trampled by some half-ton bull, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to ride one. Competitive Mechanical Bull Riding has all of the thrill with none of the consequences. Further, its varied speeds and electronic controls will allow me to drunkenly talk shit to its operator, on behalf of Stylus of course. “This piece of shit doesn’t have the power to buck Stylus, and you (points to operator) don’t have the fucking balls!” I’ll then take off my novelty “Stylus” shaped sunglasses and throw them to the crowd.

My partner would hold the boom-box above her head and play The Arrivals' “Tornado.” “Tornado” sounds enough like “Rawhide” to make you wonder if it was playing in the background when they wrote this one, but it works. Not many songs can capture the intensity and faint nod towards Southwestern culture that encapsulates my mechanical bull riding.

Second Event: Rock Paper Scissors

Last year’s purse for the national title weighed in at a hefty $50,000. I’d wear a Stylus T-shirt and cowboy hat (Stylus would be written across the front) and every time I beat someone’s throw, I’d make a remark. If I won with rock, I’d say “Stylus will always rock harder than you.” If scissors, I’d shout “Stylus will cut you down, son!” When I won with paper, I’d scoff a bit, shake my head condescendingly and remind my vanquished foe “Come on, you know Stylus has that shit covered,” and maybe pat him on the shoulder before turning away. As a sponsored athlete, I’m there to win, but I’m also there to promote the site and get its name out. I’d put on a show, work the crowd, I’d even argue calls with the ref “Are you blind? He threw rock! His fucking fingers were bent, scissors aren’t bent like that! That’s a fucking rock!”

The boom-box would shake the room with Death From Above 1979’s “Blood On our Hands.” I want to have something rocking to dance to when I mock those I trampled on my way to the title. The audience members will be too distracted by my gyrations and winks to really hear the lyrics, but the heavy cymbals and the frequent references to blood will let them know I’m serious.

Final Event(s): Competitive Eating

We have an obesity epidemic in this country (reads: Milwaukee). It’s time to embrace our troubles. Competitive eating is a sport on the verge of making it big. The annual hot dog eating contest is televised on ESPN and minor events are becoming mainstays at local fairs. I am more than willing to eat my way across the country, shouting out the Stylus name through half-chewed pieces of asparagus.

I would wait until my assistant began playing Duran Duran's “Hungry Like The Wolf” before making my entrance in a full-body wolf costume with “Stylus.Com” shaved into its chest. I wouldn’t speak to the crowd until after I had the trophy in my paws, at which point I’d answer the inevitable “Why a wolf?” question. “Because here at Stylus, we’re always on the hunt for good music,” I’d say with a wink and a point of my claw. Then I’d ask my former competitors if any of them wanted to step out for a bite to eat.

I’m not saying I’m the most athletic person alive, but I’m betting I could bring home a trophy or two. It’s high time Stylus takes that step towards greatness and sponsors an athlete and while I haven’t heard an official response on my offer, I know it’s only a matter of time until I assume that role. I’ve already bought a pair of those novelty sunglasses.